I just finished running. I no longer get that same runners high that I used to. Its really frustrating. I used to be able to run miles at a time and now when I run a little over a half a mile, I’m completely winded and my heart feels like its going to pound out of my chest. Its because of the chemo, I know, but I still can’t get past the image in my mind that I have about what I used to be able to do. I wish I could make it worth my while to get all dressed up to brave the winter weather for a run. But getting all those layers on and going out takes more effort than its worth to run just a half a mile. My doctor was very surprised that I continue to run through all this because most people don’t exercise at all let alone attempt something as strenuous as running. Running used to be something I’d do to relieve stress and now it almost causes more than it gets rid of. I feel so lost, nothing makes sense for me anymore.
The things that I used to do that gave me great joy no longer seem fun. I used to love to bake. I get so exhausted cooking one handed and can’t physically do some things related to baking because they do require two hands. I have excellent use of my left hand right now, don’t get me wrong, but the fact that I can’t get it dirty or wet definitely poses a problem in the cooking department. All I can make now is pudding and Jello and lately that’s what I’ve been making. I can’t play my saxophone for very long. I tried this playing earlier in the day so my arm is fresh from the previous night’s sleep, and I was able to play for a longer period of time before I had to quit.
Last night I was just missing Matt, but with the lack of stuff to do that I actually enjoy, I miss all my other friends a lot too. There are a lot of times that I wish I would’ve decided to do chemo in Detroit instead of Marshfield. If it weren’t for my family being 9 hrs from Detroit, I think that’s the decision I would’ve made. I wish I had some friends here.