I've been having consecutive "cute days" in a row. By cute days, I mean this: feeling good about the way you look (a cute outfit for example). I didn't usually have cute days when I had hair. I was rarely satisfied with how my hair, as uncooperative as it was, looked. Now that its no longer a there to be messed with and I've gotten used to how I look in a scarf and have a decent tan, I feel pretty decent when I see that person in the mirror. Its taken me a long time to grow accustomed to seeing someone completely different in the mirror. Its taken almost six months. I think that's why I've been having "cute days". I'm getting used to a very different looking me. Also, I think I sometimes try to make up for the fact I don't have any hair by dressing more feminine and put together. My friend Krissy, also a cancer patient with Ewing's, told me a story about how she went to the grocery store and was mistaken for a boy because she wore a baggy sweatshirt and a stocking cap. I guess I just don't want anyone to have ANY doubts about my gender.

I was talking to Nick, a gentleman at the Hope Lodge, and he had an interesting analogy about having to go back for more chemo: "Have someone hold their hand out and whack it with a hammer. Then go back and ask them if they want you to do it again. Going back for more chemo is kind of like that." He's right. It is just like that. You know darn well that its going to hurt and you're going to get sick all over again. But you know you have to and that makes it all the worse having to go back. It sucks that cancer treatment is like that: you have to get really sick before you get any better.